If you're just joining in on this week it'll be wise I let you know about how a fortnight ago I revealed to the world my wildest and most random decision to love again. The subject I've chosen for my affection is what's even wilder, though perfectly calculated and rational on my part. It's none other than, the one and only Tarisai ladies and gentlemen. I've decided to love myself. (best decision ever). It's like that road trip you didn't know you needed to a getaway that really allows you to soak within yourself, clear your head only to cloud it with more informed direction, wind down, let your hair down and recharge your batteries. It's the promised land for every hard-working person seeking retribution. But like all good things in life, they come to those that wait (said a very impatient person) and make good with their time currency. Just in case you were wondering what self-love is. And also In case you were wondering where I am on this journey to the promised land, well I'm still on the road folks, road-tripping it out. Pun intended. I'm thankful I have you dear beloveds to keep me company on this journey and whilst we ride through the contours of this beautiful stretch of a road we might as well check some things off our self-love checklist.
Top of my list is:
1. LETTING GO
Earlier(where? Scroll up?) I brought up letting go of old versions of yourself and that's just the start, however, fortunately, it's got a domino effect to it, and they all fall down. You just need to learn to let go. I'm of the personal opinion and conviction that letting go is difficult, and maybe that's because it's not something that comes naturally to me. But just as every behaviour is learnt, I am determined to learn the art of letting go. You may be wondering why you can't keep all these versions of yourself and just mesh them all up together because it's all you right?
Well yes, it is all you. And that’s just the beginning of the problem. All your traumas, weaknesses, shortcomings, failures, heartaches, regrets, unwanted memories, it's everything. In all logic, yes, as a person one is a culmination of various events and experiences they go through and these they forever carry with them even if they don't just like how buildings don't walk around holding a brick because they are the bricks, bricks that have learnt to be it and live with it in a sort of effortless and weightless demeanour. However in as much as, as people, we’re a sum of various parts and pieces culminating from lived experience I still strongly feel that keeping old versions of yourself is a double-edged-Jekyl-and-Hyde sword delicately detrimental to your ascension. In as much as it can give you that push for momentum, it can easily pull you back just as much because it's easier for you to mentally transcend the different worlds the different versions of you are. And that means making you more vulnerable to picking up old habits, pet peeves, and insecurities that you probably thought you got over but didn't really, it was just out of sight out of mind, and now it's like you're back to the scene of the crime, reliving memories and times that are best kept swept under the rug. So if you know the dirt under the rug triggers you into old patterns and you happen to like your new leaf, let go of the past. Going back has never done any good unless if it's for altruistic intents, Lot's wife can testify. And that ladies and gentlemen is a self-love gem 1 we ought to check off the checklist.
Can I get an Amen?
Those in the back, louder, please.
Don’t get me wrong, and I will share this with you dear beloveds because this is a struggle I know all too well. It's one thing to preach about the gospel and it's another to practise it, just as how one can fail to walk their talk. Despite the value I’ve found and discovered in letting things go, I’m one of those people I’ve come to realize, who will hold onto the lacerating rope, with a thousand cuts decorating my palms for no good, flimsy half-baked reason dressed deceptively as logic in the hopes of a different and better outcome. It's like some weird form of self-sabotaging tendencies and behaviour. One can even go so far as to grow numb to the feeling of the lacerations having been cut so many times, that what’s a cut? And beyond and deeper than that, who am I without this cutting-edge aesthetic in my palms? Considering how all behaviors are learnt what if I’ve grown to love the pain that over time I’ve come to personalize and characterize as mine. MY pain, MY woes, MY troubles. Who am I without the splitting acute pain of a cut drawing an incision into my body? Is this a version of myself I'm even willing to explore, and if I am, how able am I?
I aint got the answers Sway, but one thing I know is, this is going to be one hell of a road trip. One for the ages.
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🧘♂️
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